Home Again

This week my fiance come home again.I told him to come back after our pay day but he reluctant.He's bored.Furthermore this weekend there was a venue at bukit jalil,jom heboh. I just didn't remember how many times 'jom heboh' has been held as b4 this we didn't bother about it.

We've been planning to attend this jom heboh as bukit jalil just 2 lrt station from our house.I told him not to go as we're out of cash but he plead me to go.Actually i know he want to entertain & win my heart.He has been giving me a lot of trouble b4 this.He always gave excuses when i mentioned about going to somewhere.
& now,especially after the engagement,he's willing to accompany me anywhere.I just mention about jom heboh without no hidden intention.After all,i know he's not keen of the crowd.But this time he's really want to take me there.He paid for all the expenses;bus & lrt fares,food & drink, & other stuffs.
I don't care about the expenses.What i'm happy about was the time we have to spend together.We went there only for a few hours.There were thousand of people as today is weekend & it's really crowded.After buying a few bag of stuff,we went back.We didn't wait any longer as the crowd began to fill the place bcoz' there was a concert that night.Many came for the concert but we didn't as we're not a concert & entertainment fans.It's better we went back & lied in front of tv while eat of food we bought.It's more comfortable & relax.
Thank abang for brought me to jom heboh.Sorry to trouble u bcoz' of my 'wish',u had to come home,travelled so far,have not enough time to rest & empty ur pocket.I love u.

&

Unexpected Visit

Yesterday i got an unexpected visit from my friend (x-colleague),ain.Starting yesterday,she's on leave until 1st June.Actually she has resigned from her previous job & will start her new job this june.She paid me a visit after sending her sister to her workplace.It was a pleasent surprise.
It has been months since i met her although we chat almost every day tru yahoo messenger.She always long to see me but as usual i was bz with my life.& it's rather late to see her after office hour.Furthermore my fiance disapprove if i go back very late.It's not that he wanted to control my movement but he was worried about my safety.& yesterday she came to my office & we have a very good chat.Luckily my boss was not around.

I miss my friends but lately i was too bz with my work & life.Since we lived far away & worked at different area,it's hard to fix a time to meet.All of us would prefer to stay at home during weekend to get some rest after working hard the whole week.So,when do we have time to see each other?After this,we're not sure weather we can chat again as she didn't know the rules at her new workplace.She was worried as it was our only way to contact.

Thank for ur visit ain.I'll try spend some time with u after this.Good luck in ur new job.

Why Woman Cry

Why Women Cry...

A little boy asked his mother,

"Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said.
His Mom just hugged him and said,
"And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father,

"Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man,

still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put prayed to God

who would surely know the answer.
When God responded he asked,

"God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be to be made special.

I made her shoulders strong enough

to carry the weight of the world,

yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth

and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going

when everyone else gives up,

and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue

without complaining,

gave her the sensitivity to love her children

under any and all circumstances,

even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults

and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that

a good husband never hurts his wife,

but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve

to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And lastly,

I gave her a tear to shed.

This is hers and only hers

exclusively to use whenever she needs it.
She needs no reason, no explanation, its hers."
"You see my son," said God,

"the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,

the figure that she carries,

or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes,

because that is the doorway to her heart

- the place where love resides."

Surprise...surprise

Surprise!I was so damn surprise when unexpectedly my fiance came home yesterday.It's only a week since he went back to klang but he always complaining about his boredom.He's bored,not bcoz' of his job but the surroundings.He worked there,he lived there,ate there,drank there,all there.So all he saw everyday 24 hrs were the same thing.So,i wouldn't surprise if he felt bored already.If he lives here but works in klang,i don't think he'll bored like that.He always says if only he could come back almost everyday.But he had no choice but to stay there bcoz' of the distance & transportation.I also wished he always here by my side but i've to understand his responsibility.

He also felt lonely,same as me here.Who can blame him as we always together b4 this.& now we can only see each other during the weekend or twice a month.We became addicted to each other & can't be separated anymore.He was not alone at the site as all the general workers & sub-cons stayed there but it was not the same as i am.He jokingly said,he can't pampered himself with them.
He always said he wanted to come back but finally cancelled it last minute bcoz' of his duty.But yesterday afternoon,he said he wanted to come back only for a night.Coincidently one of the sub-cons wanted to go back to kajang with a motorbike & it's the same way & he didn't know the route,so my fiance voluntarily will show the route but with one condition,take him along.But,there is always a but,he'll think about it if he has settled all the job at the site.
4.40pm i called him but failed.5pm i called again but no answer.Actually i wanted to confirm again weather he'll come back or not.If he's, i've to buy something for our dinner.Actually i was worried bcoz' of the journey.It took 1 hour from klang to cheras & he was riding a motorbike with others.He was capable of driving/riding but he has no license.Furthermore it was about to rain.So,i was worried if something bad happened on the road as it was quite unsafe rode a motorbike in a bad whether, with no license & gave a lift to a non-permit indon.
Luckily today there was a night market infront of my office.So,i went bought veggie & prawn for our dinner.I knew he loved prawn.& i wished he was on his way home,so that's why he didn't answer my call.Just as i arrived home,he also arrived.Oh,it was a surprise as i thought he just kidding when he said he want to come home & i didn't expect he arrived that soon.Erm,i had to ccok quickly as he already hungry (he always hungry).
Oh i really loves surprise but a good surprise.I missed him as he missed me.We don't care even thought we can only see each other only for a few hours,it was one of our memoriable moment.

Suddenly I Want To Cry

Have u ever had the blues?Have u ever felt u want to cry with no apparent reason?Some people called it crying jags.I've been through it & last night once again,i cry with unknown reason.It suddenly happen.It was weird why did i cry?No one scold me at that time,nothing bothered me this few days.I was happy b4 that as my fiance just called me to wish me good night.I just don't know why did i cry.I just can't explain it why.
At that time i was watching tv.It showed something that melt my heart but logically it was not that sad to make me cry like that.& i realized that occassionally i cried & sobbed at that same time,like something has hurt my feeling very bad.So today,i look for the reason in the internet & i found some of it that may be the trigger.

Exhaustion

You may have noticed that many performers have been known to collapse and end up in the hospital in the middle of a tour due to exhaustion and frustration. This is an extreme kind of tired experienced by someone who has worked too hard and has not had time to relax. This kind of tired will even make a grown man cry, he just will not do it in front of you.

Frustration

Have you ever heard a woman say she had a good cry? Well chances are she cried from frustration, and the act of crying relieved the frustration. She will cry until she cannot cry anymore, with reasons being anything, or nothing at all, and arise from her soaking wet pillow ready to face anything the world can dish out.

Lack of Control

Women often find that they have these mysterious crying fits when in new relationships. They often blame their crying on hormones. The truth is that they are in a situation, which they do not know how to control. As exciting as a new relationship is, not knowing what is going to come next can be extremely frustrating and unsettling and lead to an unexplainable crying fit.

Extreme Happiness

Emotion is emotion and tears are tears. Women will cry just as easily from extreme joy as they will sadness. So if you walk into the room, and she bursts into tears, do not worry. She may just be happy to see you.

People often cry. They cry tears of joy and tears of sorrow. Sensible persons cry more than the other ones. They sometimes cry for no obvious reason. But everyone has his or her own way of acting. It depends on personality. The way of one's reaction can sometimes have no explanation at all.
Tears have many dimensions. There are tears of pain and suffering, tears of grief and sadness, and tears of sweet delight. There are the loud wails of a newborn signaling, “I’m hungry” or “Hold me, I’m lonely."
Out of 4,i can't figure out the true trigger of my cry.May be all,may be only one of them or may be none.But i know one thing;It’s okay to cry if you’re happy. It’s okay to cry if you’re sad. It’s okay to cry for no reason at all. Let it out.

He's Cooking....

If u ask me who's my favorite chef?Surely i would say my mom.& no. 2 is my fiance.He was a good cook,better than i am.He can cook almost every thing.He has no professional training in cooking but he is very creative.Even his mom & siblings approve his skill.He has no specific recipe,he just 'campak2' all the ingrediants & voila,it's ready. When i asked him what & how many he put in his cooking,he said he just estimate it & put as to taste (secukup rasa).& when he @ i want to cook the same dish again,he said he forgot what he put in it as he has no specific recipe.Aiyoh....

Sometimes i take for granted when it comes to cooking.When he was around,he'll cook & i just help him prepare the ingrediants.It was so romantic when i woke up & came back from work,the breakfast or dinner has ready.But frankly speaking,we used to argue about cooking;either i was too lazy to cook or my dish not as he expect.

There 2 main reasons why i was lazy to cook when he was around.No. 1,he cook better than i am.When i cook,he always commenting my dish or the way i cook.Sometimes he came to the kitchen & interfere my cooking process.Everyone have their own way,but he wanted me to follow his method.So,instead of me,it's better if he cook himself.No. 2 is he was too fussy in terms of food.He didn't eat veggie.Even if we used onion,garlic,ginger or as such,either i have to pound it very fine or slice them big enough bcoz' he didn't like their taste.He can't taste them directly if they were finely pound & he can pick & put them aside if they're sliced bigger.If the size was not too big & not too small,either he declined to eat them or he'll take some times to pick them up.Very fussy.

He only ate certain fish.He didn't eat fresh water fish like talapia, keli & such.As his father is a fisherman,he used to eat 'better' fish,so he was very choosy in terms of fish.He didn't eat domestic chicken (ayam kampung), its egg & anything to do with them such as cake using its egg.He didn't eat duck or goose, mutton or buffalow meat.Erm,sometimes i've to keep aside my desire to eat them when he was around.
But now as he was far,i've to cook on my own & whatever i like,even things that he dislikes.& when he came back,once in awhile he'll cook my favorite dishes but most of the time i've to cook.He reminded me,after we get married,he wanted me to cook for him.He'll resign as a cook.So that's why i've to learn to cook from now on.
I don't know why i was too lazy when it comes to cooking.I've been cooking for my family since i was small.I still remember,since i was in primary school,my mom taught me to cook as i've to cook for our family almost every day bcoz' at that time my parent was bz at the paddy field.So,i've to cook b4 i go to school.It went on until i left for university.
On that time we cook using fire wood,no gas cooker.I've to monitor the fire so that the rice cook very well.I've mastered the cooking skill at that time.But the skill slowly faded once i entered uni.I'll back home twice a year.Sometimes i took for granted & used tired for an excuse to escape from cooking.& my mom just nag for awhile,then she'll cook afterward.Sometimes she nagged at me of not paying attention while she was cooking.U know what,i used to say to myself long time ago;it's ok if i can't cook bcoz' i'll hire a maid when i get married.Hahaha...what a foolish thought.
& now, no matter what i've to learn to cook in my 30's as my fiance has already told that he wanted to eat his wife's dishes.I know,i'll never hire a maid.Not bcoz' i can't afford it (not sure yet),but bcoz' it is a good deed to cook for husband & it's a wife duty to cook no matter how high her qualification & post.& one more thing,i felt ashamed with myself bcoz' he cook better than i am.Malu la pompuan x tau masak....

I admit,i'm not a good cook but i can cook.& i swear,not in my life i see someone died after eating my cooking.Hahaha...

Secret Admirer

Im your secret admirer,
Your the one I desire..
From the first time we talked,
my feelins for you sparked like fire
Please try to understand,
Im afraid to let my feelins show,
But I dont want to be left alone...
I just want to hold you close and never let you go..
But so far all I have are dreams of you
I never thought it was possible to fall in love with you..
Your so sweet and caring..
I must be dreaming..
Im your secret admirer,
If only you knew that my love for you has been set on fire
But im trying to be careful,
I dont want to be left heartbroken..
Im just your secret admirer,
And thats all I'll ever be..

Secret Admirer is who I am
Very attracted to you this is true
But I can't reveal who I am
A little bit older and unvailable too
And all I ever think about is you.

See you smiling every day
hide the way i feel,
want to tell you everything
but my lips are sealed,
loving you with all my heart
but you will never know,
feelings for you are locked away
hope they never go,
i never cease to by amazed
how beautiful you look,
now my heart will suffer in silence
because of the chance i never took.

I believe everyone,boys & girls have a secret admirer or at least admire someone else.I too have a secret admirer not long ago.& i used to admire someone long time ago.I think that was my first time i've feeling toward opposite sex.I think that was what people call,puppy love.I saw him everyday on my way to school.That time,i was in form 3.He was cute,sweet & nice.I knew his name but i'm sure he didn't know my name.I felt my heart flowerish everytime i saw him.I did a very foolish & funny thing to grab his attention.I left my book in the bus in hoping he find it & return it to me bcoz' i wrote my name & my school's name on it.But eventually,i got back the book but from someone else;my schoolmate's sister.Hahahah....
I was a silent & shy type,so i just gave him a smile when we bumped into each other.I'm not a lewd girl,crying for a man's attention.I admired him from far & it went on until i left school & i heard he's getting married.I didn't feel anything,no broken heart or whatsoever.May be bcoz' it just a crush.& maybe i was bz with my study (i continued my study at uni),no time to think about boys & love.
At uni, i admired my senior.We met everytime we have co-curriculum activity.Funny thing is i only know his name after a year.Another thing is i'm not the only one admired him.Actually 2 friends of mine also admired him but we did it just for fun to release our tense.One day i've an opportunity to hold his hand (emergency case),my friends said i was very lucky & jokingly said i shouldn't wash my hand.
Then,few years working at my current workplace,i received a letter.Funny thing was,the letter was pushed into my office under the door.I was shocked & smiled to myself bcoz' it was from a secret admirer.He admired me for quite sometimes but afraid to greet me after all this time.He only has courage to send me a letter when one day i smiled at him & greet him politely & friendly.U know what,my secret admirer actually worked downstairs.I bumped into him everyday but i never recognized him as he was very quiet.& as usual,when i walked,i walked straight ahead without looking at other side.He tried very hard to attract me but i've to come clean on him;my heart has already taken by someone else.
U know what, i was honoured to have a secret admirer.I never thought that there was someone out there who had a crush on me.At least i know,i've also an attraction.

Believe In Urself

It is the decisions you make, when you have no time to make them, that define who you are. Get to know yourself before you believe in yourself. Know what works best for you.

My oh my,my friend did it again.I don't whether she feels so unsecure with herself or just to announce her situation to everybody?Yesterday she came to see me.As usual,when she came,there always now story in her life,usually about her & her admirer.
Once again they were in a conflict.She can't figure it out his felling toward her but they were very close & spend most time with each other.He even showed his jealousy when she treat her other boyfriends more than him.She was so unhappy with his cold behaviour.& as usual,she was afraid to ask him bout his feeling.

Then she took a short cut route by seeing a shaman to 'see' his real feeling towards her.& like most of typical shaman,her guesses were right;he loved her but too ego & to pride to tell her.The shaman assured her that he will come to her or call her in a short time after he put some good spell on him.But she became so desperate when the time didn't come as the shaman promised.So that's why she came to see me.I'm not a shaman but i believe in +ve thinking.

She was too obedient with the shaman's foretell.She believe him,so that's why she didn't do anything to settle the problem.But i'm not that patient when i'm in doubt.I'll try to settle it or find a way to untie any confusion.I told her to call him.If she's not that brave to ask him his feeling yet,at least she can break the ice.She could ask him why he was like purposely stayed away from her.She could ask as a friend bcoz' they've been friend for years.She was in doubt;what if he wouldn't answer her call,what if he sign her off,what if he give her cold treat,what if that,what if this.

I told her to believe in herself.She won't loose anything by calling him.She won't loose her pride if she break the ice.Who knows the outcome.If we have good intention,we'll get a good outcome.U know what,he answered her call & treat her nicely like there was nothing happen between them.She was relieved.If she still followed the shaman's said,she wouldn't know what's going to happen next.May be sooner or later,he'll call her back @ look for her.But what if he didn't?She'll eat her heart out,waiting for him to appear again.But in another circumstances,we girls should at a time silence ourself.But it depends on u.

U don't have to follow others instruction blindly.U can ask their opinion,u can hear what they think but it doesn't mean u have to follow them all.Whatever u do,believe in urself.Have faith.Follow ur heart.

Fate

Sometimes i feel bad when my mom keep asking how long do i have to work at the previous company with the same post & salary?How many time more do i've to attend interviews but no avail?She keep saying,other people have become richer but i was still at the old stage.Others have gone to the moon,yet i still walking on foot.
I just don't know what to do anymore.I've been trying so hard all my life.I'm gracious to be born with a brain.I don't have to be a bookworm to excel in my studies.Even though i didn't scored straight A's but still i made my parents & relatives proud of my achievements.When my cousins went to school at the village,i've been accepted to a well-known & chosen school.When i admitted to uni,my cousins only finished their spm.
But the 'bad luck' happened once i graduate.I was jobless for a year.Then worked as a teacher using my spm certificate.1 1/2 years after that,i worked as a general clerk.Even though my employer knew about my qualification,i was paid based on my spm & sad to say lower than a despatch's salary here in kl.But i'm gracious to have it when some of my friends failed to get any job.But when i came to kl, my life changed.I met my fiance & got my current job.

I know,my mom was not that happy with my job,in another word,the salary.I've been working for so long,yet my salary is not as much as other people received.I know & i realized,sometimes i feel that my boss take me for granted bcoz' not like other people,i just keep quite even though i'm not satisfied my the pay.
My mom want me to be a teacher but i swear to god,i have no passion to be a teacher.I'm not interested & i know i've no talent to be a teacher.I don't want to sacrifice myself by doing something that i don't like.Then my mom asked me to work at my relative's company at my hometown.Once again i declined bcoz' at that time i've worked & i love my job very much.Furthermore,at that time,i'm not ready to live apart from my family.One more thing,i felt uncomfortable to work with a family member.I know,there'll be a lot of problem arised.
Last year,my mom asked my cousin's wife to help me get a job in a bank at my hometown.I said yes but i played around til' the closing date reached. Then my mom asked me to come back to my home town bcoz' she's going to get me a job with someone's help (if not mistaken from a politician bcoz' my mom is one of the important person in a politic party at my village).Once again i declined.Why?Bcoz' i really love my job now.Even though the salary not that much,my boss treat me very well.He helped me a lot.He taught me to be good at my job.I owe him a lot.Yesterday,my boss's wife bought medicine for me to ease my tooth ache.Last week,he even applied second office phone line but this time a mobile service with a fixed line no.I was granted to take it home & wherever i go.I even can call my mom with the phone anytime & as long as i want,even until the phone explode for free,hahahaha...

I'm confident,one day i'll succesfull even though i won't get a better job like others.Even though i can't afford to buy a car or a house yet,one day i will.I even planned with my fiance to build our own house at our own land once we get married.Even though my friends & cousins have already bought their houses,i'll show them i can own a house too but better than that,i'll build it with our own design with our own money,no mortgages,no bank loan.

I'll prove to them,i can live better than them even my job not glamour,my post not as famous as them;lawyer,banker,accountant,etc.The most important thing is,i've no debt,no mortgage,no bind.I'm free as a bird.I've a lot of plan in my mind & i'll realize it after getting married.I pray to god to help me.I know i can't make all people happy.Now it's time to make myself happy with my own choice,my own decision.

My Vow

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish,
weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good,
And more than any fate
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.

He's The One

U know what,after not seeing him for 2 weeks,i hardly recognized him,not bcoz' i've forgot what he looks like but he's change a lot in terms of look.His skin has darkened,or better said has burned (sun burn).Sorry to say,his skin darker than bangla's skin.Hahaha....U can spot the difference very much.Part of his body especially his arms,face & neck have sun burned.It's worst than when he helped his father at the sea.
He let his moustache & beard grow unruly.When i complained about it,he said,it's ok bcoz' then no other girls will try to tackle him.Uwek....so perasan.I appreciate that but he looked untidy,not suitable as he has to face others like jkr officer most of the time.
Other thing is his body,his weight.He looked bigger or in another word,fatter.He complained that he can't fit well into his clothes & trousers like he used to.No wonder bcoz' his body has changed shape.2 days ago he weight himself & surprise2,he gained his weight from 75 to 81kg.Oh my gosh!U know what,he blamed the weight scale;it's broken.Erm,the truth is he's become fatter.
Actually we're quite surprised,how come his weight has gained whereas he worked very hard?B4,when he stayed at home;doing nothing apart of cooking,eating (more than 5 times per day),watching tv & sleeping (most of the time),his weight is maintained.But now,when he used most of his energy by working,yet his weight gained.He told me he ate less than b4 (bcoz' he had to save & the food was not as good as at home).Erm,even the scale was wrong,yet i can see his body has 'widening'.
May be people wonder,why did i put MGR,tamil hero at the begining of my story.He's not my idol.It's just that i keep thinking of him when my fiance shave his beard & trim his moustache.May be not as 'handsome' as mgr but his new look reminds me of him,despite of the skin,his skin is darker.
I don't care how he looks now.I don't care if he became fatter.I don't care if he's darkening.I know who he is.I love him not bcoz' of his appearance.I love him for who he is.

I'm Alone Again

Today,he left for klang as early as 6.30am.It's hard for me to let him go but i've to understand 1 thing;he went away for our future.Oh,i'm going to be on my own again,no one to talk to,no one to accompany me during the eating time,no one to turn to when my tooth ache (my tooth still ache til' this day),no one to scramble with when watching tv.
Here i am alone,doing all things alone.....oh,i can't wait for him to coming back again.I cherished all the moments we have together,the time we spend together.

Happy Wesak Day - It's Holiday

- Happy Wesak Day -

Today is holiday.Thanx to my boss for allowing my fiance to take a break today.With that,at least we can have another day to spend together.1 day is not enough as we didn't see each other for 2 weeks. I'm glad to be together again even though not much thing to do apart of eating & watching tv (my fiance's hobby).Important thing is time to be together.
For some people,they think of me of inseparable.Others think of me too happy to live apart.Erm,yes & no.We have a very long history in our life.He used to go missing for a year,with no news.We used to live apart at different state for more than a year.But i'm still ok til' this day.We still ok & together til' this day.Too happy to live apart?No way bcoz' i'm like any other ordinary girl;want to be loved & cuddled & lots of jealousy.Who can live apart too long when we didin't know his actual work's condition?Who can live like that when our couple has a very 'sweet-mouth' & others fall for them easily?Luckily i can control my jealousy.We live together based on trust.So,as long as we believe in each other,nothing can separate us.

Tomorrow he's going back to klang.Don't know when he'll be back again.Next weekend he won't be back as he wants to do OT,to get extra pay bcoz' our wedding is just arround the corner.May be he'll only be home in the next 3 weeks after the pay day.It's ok with me as long as he is away for a good cause.I'l support him.
So,we'll use this holiday as useful as possible,as we won't have the same time always.