Can U Ever Be Friends With Ur Ex?

By Heidi Muller

In most relationships, the time to say goodbye usually arrives at one point or another -- unless you intend to walk down the aisle, of course (and even then). You've shared memories that will either make you laugh or cry, and it's time to take your experiences, put them in your back pocket and move on. But somewhere on the road of parting ways couples feel the need to promise to stay friends -- which ultimately leads to more broken promises.

So why can't ex-lovers remain friends? Why is it all or nothing?

Comfort Zone
Although it would make things much easier in the dating world, relationships rarely see mutual breakups. One person is usually the heartbreaker, while the other mulls over the breakup and pain for weeks, even months. It's never easy to break up with someone you've shared good times with (and even if they were bad times, they were still times ).

But the person who does the breaking up feels like less of a bad guy by offering that sense of truce: "It's not you, it's me. We'll still be friends, right?" This peace offering of friendship provides the dumper with the solace of knowing they aren't such a horrible person because they still want to be friends with their ex.

I've Created a Monster
Not only does it give the dumper the comfort of knowing they aren't monsters, but by wanting to remain friends, it also allows the dumper to feel that their former lover will still be in their life, and they won't have to miss having them around.

So now the dumper can move on with their life with ease, and with the pleasure of having coffee with their former mate every so often -- but the ex whose heart was ripped out and chewed up by the person who keeps leaving them friendly messages and e-mail isn't a happy camper.

Obviously, these messages on the machine and coffee dates don't last long, and if they do, they end even worse than the breakup. Yes, being friends with an ex-lover is an impossible feat: find out why.

Exes Must Stay That Way

You've Seen Each Other Naked
Although it may be possible to have casual sex with a friend, even this can damage a relationship. As hard as it is to accept, it's difficult to bring a relationship back to its normal state after having been most intimate with someone. You will always have an image of that person naked, and memories of the trysts will always be triggered by the smell of her skin or perfume, or even by hearing a song that you once made passionate love to.

And as thick-skinned as you are, it's hard to see the person in the same light after being entangled in each other's skin and sharing a moment of sheer ecstasy with one another.

You Can't Confide In Each Other
As hard as two exes try to stay friends, they can never really confide in one another. How do you tell your ex that you have a hot date tonight, or that you and your new lover are going away on a steamy getaway? You can't even tell your ex that the reason you're smiling so much is because a woman has just pleasured you like never before.

You can tell her these things, but new lovers and mates are always going to be a sensitive issue. It's even harder to tell her how hurt you were that your date stood you up the other night, thanks to your sense of pride.

Remaining friends seems to provide us with the security blanket that the person who has been in our life will still be there, and we can call on them every once in a while to find out how they are -- but we'll never actually know how they really are.

Always One-Sided Bitterness
Since breakups are rarely one-sided, one party will always feel resentment or bitterness towards the other person. Even if your ex is feigning friendship, she's not sincerely your friend; so if it seems like plans with your new potential woman are always being sabotaged, they just might be.

Jealousy Comes Into Play
And where there's bitterness, there's jealousy. And the truth of the matter is, it's hard to be sincerely happy for your ex when they've just found the new love of their life.

You Don't Want Them With Anyone Else
It's human nature to be jealous or resentful when our ex finds a new person to cuddle up to, even if we don't have feelings for them anymore. It almost becomes a race of who will find the new lover first, a challenge especially brought on by the person who was dumped. Even for the person who did the breaking up, the thought of someone else taking your place in the memories that you and your ex shared is hard, and sometimes extremely painful to fathom.

Passion Still Exists
Even if your relationship was completely problem-ridden, chances are that the passion and sexual chemistry between the two of you still exists (unless lack of attraction was the reason for your breakup). This is a recipe for disaster because it means that every time you get together under this new "friendship" premise, the lust and passion you have makes it more likely that you'll end up in "one more" night of unbridled "goodbye" sex, for old times sake. This brings you right back to square one -- how you felt right after your breakup, and just when you were doing so well.

MOVING ON
Leaving the past behind is hard enough, and you don't want part of your past still programmed in your cell phone. Although it's easier for the dumper, recovering from a breakup is still a hard thing to do since it means being single again, getting back into the dating scene, and no longer making that daily goodnight call you and your ex used to share.

But having that person still lingering in your life as a constant reminder makes it even harder to move on with your life, meet new people and turn a fresh page. It's almost like keeping one foot in the past, and another struggling to make it back into the pickup scene.

It also might be a better idea to leave things with pleasant memories of the other person, rather than drag the potentially doomed relationship through the mud.

In a perfect world, the ideal would be for exes to succeed at being friends, but in one where bitterness, jealousy, passion, and human nature exceed reasoning and rational thought, it's impossible. So unless the two of you were the best of friends before; both broke up on the same terms in a perfectly mutual breakup; both have no qualms about either of you seeing new people, and have both instilled a total honesty policy, better to leave the friendship behind... along with the memories.


Points To Consider Before U're Thinking Of Staying Friends With An Ex;

How the Break Up Happened
The method in which you two broke up is an important indicator on whether you two will remain friends. After all, if one of you engaged in bad break up behavior you either won’t remain friends, or your newly developed friendship won’t last very long. If the person who initiated the break up wants to remain friends, it can be very difficult and almost cruel to the one who got dumped. After all, they may wonder why their ex couldn’t stand to be with them but now wants to hang out “as a friend.” Confusing.

What Went On During the Relationship
Friendships require the same amount of trust and kindness that relationships do. So if one of you cheated or abused the other, it’s unlikely a friendship will fare any better. The same applies for any reoccurring issues that just never seemed to go away. Even the smallest of slights, such as forgetting to call when you’re supposed to or ignoring your partner when you know they’re in a down mood, can carry over into your friendship. A friendship between two ex’s simply means they don’t have sexual feelings for each anymore. Any communication issues or problems, however, will remain.

Are the Two of You Really Over?
If any lingering feelings of love (or lust) remain with one of you, forging a friendship too soon will undoubtedly cause hurt feelings and misunderstandings. You can’t just immediately become friends if one of you hasn’t come to terms with the fact that your relationship has ended. Initiating this (whether you are the one who broke up or the one who still has feelings) is just plain cruel. Sometimes one partner will ask to remain friends simply because they like having someone around who adores them. But this type of friendship isn’t true, and in every case will come to an end once the other has found real love.

How Much Time Has Gone By?
There is a process that comes with getting over a break up. Once you and your former flame have successfully moved on, the two of you may be able to forge a successful friendship. However, you need to give it time and let it happen naturally. Sometimes couples are not willing to leave their friendship in the hands of fate. After all, they reason, if love didn’t blossom for them, why would a friendship be any different? But friendships ARE different, and that’s the point. So if you happen upon your former flame after you both are in a good place in your lives, keeping them around as a pal is a possibility. Saying “let’s stay friends” forty seconds after you break up won’t work.