Dilemma : The Truth

Should i tell the truth?What if the truth will mess up my life,my career & my relationship?
I'm in dilemma.I don't know whether i should tell my bosses & my colleagues about my fiance.Even though everybody knows i'm engaged but they didn't know who's my fiance.
This dilemma arrises when my lady boss offers my fiance a job as a supervisor at our new site project.B4 this,i told her my fiance is looking for a job here in kl or selangor since we're getting married soon.But i never thought that she'll offered him the job.
May be others think,what's the problem now?The problem is they knew my fiance very well,even my big boss has known him earlier than me but they don't know he was my fiance.So?That's easier.No,actually it's complicated.My boss has a small problem with my fiance but that doesn't mean they're enemy.Bcoz' of others mistake,my fiance had to take the burden.My boss hasn't mention his name for quite some time but my lady boss (my boss's wife) often mentions his name & was looking for him.
B4 this my fiance has applied for any job with this company but my boss refused bcoz' he didn't want to loose a friend.He said,when a friend work for him,they can't be friend anymore.It turns into a boss-worker relationship.But now abang was so desperate to have a job since the 'date' is nearer.

I never lied about my fiance.I just didn't tell the truth.No.Actually no one ever asked me who's my fiance.Actually my lady boss has met him & talk to him a few times after our engagement but the funny thing is she just couldn't recognize him.Maybe bcoz' she hasn't seen him for a long time & b4 that they met only several times or seen him in a glimpse.That is funny bcoz' numerous of time she told me to find him but she has met him & sveral times teases each other but she didn't recognize him.
I swear,i'm going to tell them about him but not now.I have to wait for appropriate time.The time will come but not now.I'm planning to tell them when we're getting married.Ya,when that time comes,i can't hide it anymore bcoz' they will know themselves whether after meeting him at the feast or by the time i hand on my invitation card.
I know i shouldn't hide his identity but i'm afraid to tell them.All this time i'm safe bcoz' no one asked me about him but i never thought i have to tell them now.Why should i hide it?Bcoz' i'm afraid.What will my boss think of me.My fiance has created a uncomfortable situation between them.I don't want to interfere their affair but i know,my bosses especially my lady boss can't believe him 100% anymore.So,can they accept him?Can they accept of what had i done?Can they accept my action of hiding this from them?I'm afraid they will think me as a liar.I'm afraid they won't believe in me anymore.I'm afraid i'll feel awkward facing them after this.
I know they're going to be shocked.My boss agreed to meet him this coming monday.I can't imagine what will happen & how will my boss faces the situation.& the most important thing is will he accept him?& if my boss can forgive him,can my lady boss accept him?They have help us especially me a lot & i don't want them to have a second thought of me.I've struggle very hard after all this time to win their heart (in a right way) & to obtain their belief on me.I'm afraid the truth will ruin every thing i had b4.
I know they will shocked knowing him as my fiance.They knew we've been a friend for a long time.Even he's the one who introduced me to my boss.He brought me to this company.But my boss wouldn't thought that i'm his gf & now his fiance bcoz' my boss once told me,he has been told by my fiance that his gf worked for proton in shah alam.
Erm,i know sooner or later the truth will be revealed.& the secret won't be a secret anymore next week.I just pray that my bosses can accept the truth very well.I've told my fiance to backup me.I don't want to be blamed.By hook or by crook,i,i mean we have to get ready to face our 'lies'.Get ready to see their shocking & unbelieving faces.I hope it went well.

Perfect

Sempurna (OST LOVE) - Gita Gutawa -

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indah
kau membuat diriku
akan slalu memujamu

Disetiap langkahku

Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

*Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Reff:
Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna.. Sempurna..

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

I fall in love instantly with this song,a theme song from a film directed by Khabir Bhatia entitle "LOVE" adaptation from a film,CINTA.I've seen CINTA not long ago.I like that film bcoz' it shows different aspects of love.Love between husband & wife,sister-brother,friend-friend,2 lovers,2 unknown people..

Even though no body's perfect in this world but we can find one.First we have to find perfection in ourself to find perfection in others.Perfection that can only be seen from inside,something that can't be seen with our eyes.

Perfect
Why is it that they say nothing can be perfect

Is it because they themselves are not perfect

Or maybe their lives are not perfect

If nothing is perfect then does perfect exist.

YES!

For those who look at the glass half full

Everyday is perfect as long as they are alive

As long as they are with the ones they love

Everything is perfect.

For those who view the glass half empty

Never will anything be perfect

Their lives, their love ones, their jobs

Will always lack perfection.

My life is perfect

Loving family, loving fiance, and beautiful kids

I couldn't ask for nothing better

When I am with them my life is perfect.

-James Elston -

No Smoking Please

I USED TO dream of finding a non-smoker bf.I hated the smell of smoke.I can't stand the smell,the smoke & it dust.May be bcoz' no one in my family smoke at that time,so i'm not use to it.My father used to smoke cigar made of nipah leaf long time ago but he stop smoking after he had an accident at his workplace.The doc advised him to stop for his own good.My brothers were still young & my parent forbid them to smoke.My mum will cane them if they were found smoking.Mostly man likes to smoke.So i can know people especially man were coming to my house from the smell of the smoke.
I will stay away from smokers.I'll detest when smokers blow out the smoke infront of me.It was such an annoy seeing people smoke at open space & public area like bus stop.Many times i saw people smoke at the bus stop crowded with commuters.He just didn't consider about others.Why can't he just go away or smoke far from the crowd?What an inconsiderate people.

I don't smoke & i don't want to smoke but doesn't mean i hate smokers.Hate means u just can't accept them,faced them,detest them.I only hate inconsiderate smokers;who smoke at the public places,who throw away the cigar butts anywhere they like.I used to dream for non-smoker bf but nowadays it's hard to find a non-smoker.Even girls smoke.
I have my own reasons why i can't tolerate with smoker/smoke.I used to have an asthma.So i can't endure the smoke,dust,furs,small particles,strong smell (either bad odour or fragrance) & also tobacco smoke.I have to avoid myself from all these factors which can set off asthma attack. Luckily it was only a mild asthma & i experience occasional symptons.It slowly cured once i grow up bcoz' my asthma was common among small children even though occasionally i experience chest tightness & coughing during the cold weather.
When i first start working (with real job),my boss is a heavy smoker & he smokes anywhere he likes even in the office.He smoke like a dragon.Hahaha.We can smell his arrival from far away.His shirts & body smell of stale smoke.At first,i can't stand it.I have to sit or stand far away from him.If not i will have a breathing problem.The dust from the smoke & the butt are all over the place.But at the time passes,i'm used to it.I can 'accept' the smoke,the smell & the dust but it doesn't mean i permit smoking. Please don't blow out the smoke directly into my face.
Then i met my bf aka my fiance.Unluckily he was a heavy smoker himself.He can smoke 2 to 3 14's packets of cigar a day.At the beginning i don't mind of his habit bcoz' i know all men are smoking.But it bcome my 'business' when instead of food,he chooses cigar.When he has small amount of money,he's willing to not eat as long as he can smoke.& i found out that he spends more at cigars compare to others.I use to joke about his habit but he shoos it away.At that time i know i've no right to ban him from smoking but today,as his wife-to-be,i should & can advise him for his own good.& also for my own good.
He knew i don't like smoke but i never forbid him directly as i know the more u stop him the more he'll do it.He even said he won't stop smoking bcoz' of others instruction.He'll stop by himself.But i respect him very much bcoz' he'll blow out the smoke other way,not to my face.He throw out the butt in the bin or ashtray.He'll make sure the dust won't fly all over the house.He also know how to take care of himself.I mean he always brushes his teeth so no yellow teeth, no bad breath, no 'black' & rough lips.He frequently washes his cloths so no body odour.

All people know it's hard to stop people from smoking.No matter what u say,no matter what government, minister of health, docs & experts said,they won't accept.Whenever i pointed out the advertisements in the paper or tv about the side effect of smoking,there's always excuses.He always asked me back;Does all the hospitalised patient warded bcoz' of illness from smoking?Government said cancer was the main killer in the country,so what's the connection with smoking?Does the docs & experts who said so are non-smokers?If smoking is bad for health,why should government sold it?Why government approved the tobacco production?
I always know it's no use to forbid him so i used another method.I'm not going to stop him instead i advised him to go slow on smoking.I convinced him to cut down the number of cigars per day.& whenever he coughed or complained about chest tightness,i'll remind him of smoking side effects.I reminded him about a statement;Your smoke is also bad for other people - they breathe in your smoke secondhand and can get many of the same problems as smokers do.If he doesn't love himself,please love me bcoz' once he smokes,i'll also breath in the smoke.I also reminded him about another statement;smoke give a greater chance of certain pregnancy problems or having a baby die from sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).He loves children & he always wants his own baby so he has to know the consequences of his habit.http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=1562

Now the only thing i can do apart of advising him is supporting him.I know it was hard for him to quit smoking instantly as he has lighting it up as young as 9 year-old.All his friends are smokers so no matter how strong u tried to quit,there's always influences.U don't buy the cigar but u can always ask from others.If u don't ask for it,they will offer.It's hard to resist the temptation.Starting this year he has cut out numbers of cigar.A packet of 14's cigar can last for 2 days.It was an improvement.He used to joke;his friends & brothers surely will laugh at him if he stops smoking.U see,smoking has been a lifestyle.It has been accepted nationwides.Non smokers treated as a girly people,assumed as not macho & not cool enough to be accepted in certain circulation of people.To be accepted,they have to smoke.
He was so determine to cut out his habit,even though not quitting, bcoz' he realizes smoking has costs him a lot of money.He need to save for our wedding.But one thing i find out,the less he smokes the more he eats.He said,his mouth used to suck things so he needs to 'suck' other things instead of cigars.The replacement was food.Erm......Hahaha.....

Indecisive

Yesterday my mum called again.This time she asked again the 'deadly' question;have i decided my wedding date?Aiyoh!'It's ringing again.It was the toughest question i ever asked.Tougher than my uni exams.Tougher than ptd exam.I know she never mean to meddle my decision.She just worried what would my fiance's say bcoz' during the engagement ceremony,we've agreed to engage in a short time,meaning less than a year.
May be for many people,question like this would pressure them but not for me bcoz' i know my mum would understand.Why not bcoz' she should relieved bcoz' i've found my soulmate & at last i've agreed to end my singlehood life :) .I never felt pressure even though almost all my same age friends & cousins got married.I never tensed up even though i found my soulmate at the age of middle 30's.

Back to wedding date.I've discussed a few times with my fiance about the date but we can't decide it yet bcoz' of unavoided reason.We agreed to wed within this year as we don't want to prolong our engagement.People said,lots of challenges faced by enagaged couple.& it's not that we're too eager to wed,it just we don't want to wait any longer.We should never delay good things.& we're tired of doing the 'sin' anymore,hahaha.

Actually we've decided to do the feast during school break & weekend bcoz' easy for my siblings & relatives to attend.The coming school break is on end of may/early june but we can't bcoz' no preparation yet.After that,august.Last time we've decided to wed on august but yesterday after a brief discussion with my mum & fiance,may be we have to find another date.August is ok since it's in the middle of the year but the problem is my sister in-law is going to give birth on end of july & surely she can't attend the wedding on august.A week after the proposed date is fasting month.The school brake is only a week so when should we hold the feast?Beginning or end of the break?We can't hold it in the middle of the week bcoz' others are working.So,we're confuse now.When oh when?

My brother suggested we hold it after hari raya.It means early oct.Erm,that mean we've to wait longer.Actually i never imagine i have to wait that long.I mentioned it to my mum & surprisingly she's not against it bcoz' all our family can attend the feast as it's hold on long holiday.But i just worried what will my fiance's family say about it?My mum worried if my fiance can't want that long.She said if my fiance decided to get married on august,we can still held the feast after hari raya.Nikah gantung dulu.But when i mentioned it to my fiance,he thought it's better to hold the wedding ceremony & the feast on the same day;save money & time.

My fiance merely agrees my suggestion.Surely he agreed bcoz' the longer we postpone the longer time he had to save money for the ceremony.He assured me his family won't say anything as they will only follow his decision.If that so,its better.But one thing we agreed,not later than oct.But we've to discuss again bcoz' it's not final yet.Many things have to be considered.But for now,the date is either on 3rd or 4th oct 2008.But as i said b4,it's not final.

For me?It don't bother me of how or when.It's not that i don't care.It's just that i don't want to think about it all the time.It will only give me headache.It's true i want to marry my long loved fiance.It's not true that the desire to tie the knot has fade out. But i don't want to look desperate or too eager.I believed when the time comes,we'll get married no matter what comes or tries to stop us.The most important thing now is to work harder for the money.No money,no talk.It's time to save.

Thanks mum for understanding me,for not pressuring me,for ur support.Thanks abang for ur ever lasting love,for ur consideration,for believing me sincerely.Let's take good care our love.Let's make our dream into reality.May god bless us.

AIDS

Many people may wonder why did i write about illness/diseases for this few days.I know many people aware about cancers & aids but i just want to tell about my experience.Yesterday my mum called.I was told my cousin died.He was a year younger than me but i'm quite close to him when we're young since he & his other siblings often came to my grandma's house during school break.But as the time passes we didn't met as often as b4.Sometimes we met during hari raya.& now he dead.& i was shocked to be told he died bcoz' of AIDS.
Since i haven't seen him for a very long time (he lived in another town),i didn't know much of his whereabouts.My aunt (his mother) didn't tell much of his children (i didn't blame her bcoz' i know all mothers will protect their children no matter waht).I was really shocked bcoz' i've known him as a good boy & son,& yet he died of untreatable diseases.His death revealed every thing about his life.He was a drug addict.He has been admitted into hospital a few times b4.Since the virus has 'conquered' all his body system,the docs couldn't do anything.
I was such a waste to see a young died of avoidable disease.I've seen few of my young villagers died of the same cause,AIDS.& it all caused by drug addiction.My village used to be identified as a 'black area' by the police bcoz' many youngsters involved with drugs, the village was used as a distribution area among drug dealers & it was also used as an escaped route from the police as my village surrounded by paddy fields,drains & dense bushes.So many youngsters involved as it was easy the get the drug supply.The sad thing is their parents acted like they didn't see waht their children do.Many didn't dare to forbid/stop/prevent their children's deed.& many of them very over proctective over their children;they will hide their children when the police came.They even bailed out their children if were caught.They won't send their children to rehibilitation center.
So the outcome is those youngsters consecutively used the drugs,shared the injection needle & finally most of them infected with HIV & AIDS.They didn't get any medical help so that when they were admitted to the hospital,it was too late.
I have few other cousins involved with drugs.My uncle has done everything to stop his addiction & almost successful.I wish i don't have to lost another family members bcoz' of AIDS.A few months ago,my cousin died at sudden.His family told villagers he died of heart attack but we all knew the actual cause.He was a drug user but his family either didn't know or purposely won't admit it.
My parent was very worried of their children especially my brothers.At my village,almost every house has at least one drug user.So my parent especially my mum monitored my brothers closely bcoz' they didn't want them to involve with drugs & other unhealthy activities.They want to know who are their friends,where they go,what they do,they have to inform my parent when they want to go out & most importantly they have to be at home b4 the nightfall & they can't go out at night except for tuition.These went on until they left school & start working.
From my observation,despite other factors,lack of love & attention from families was the major factor of drug using.Parents gave full freedom to their child & didn't monitor their activities.Today our children spend most of their times with friends & they're very unlucky if they befriend the wrong people.Like my parent,even though both of them are working,they want to know all my brothers' friend.Used to happen,my mum forbid my youngest brother to befriend one of the villager's kid bcoz' she knew that boy smoked even though he was still at school.She didn't want my brother get bad influences from that boy.
I pray someday when i had my own children,i can follow my parent's method to teach the children.Thanks to god 5 of us have bcame good samaritan bcoz' my parent's lessons.It was sad to see the energy from the youngsters that can be used for usefull things has been wasted.They are the hope the family & nation but they died dishonourable bcoz' of AIDS,the nation's number one enemy.

Thankful

Today while surfing the internet,i found a blogspot written by shin,a 42 years old woman suffered with advanced breast cancer.It's so touching to read her story,struggle with the most scared cancer among woman.She's still under treatment.She wrote about the treatments & surgeries she underwent.How awful to read the pain,the agony,the distress she had to go through.But she was lucky to have loving people by her side,supporting her;his husband & 2 kids.I respect her very much bcoz' she is very positive with her life even though she has the last-stage cancer & she knew she won't live longer.

I've a few relatives & friend who went through almost the same situation.A uni friend of mine diagnosed with cervics tumor.Luckily it was detected earlier.She went for a surgery & the docs said she has fully recovered but the sad thing is she didn't get pregnant even though she got married for almost 8 years & now she already 35-year-old.Another friend of mine diagnosed with bone cancer.She was a brilliant student.Her condition quite bad but she managed to finish her study.Sadly i don't know her condition right now bcoz' we've lost contact.

During my uni years,i saw a student (boy) always wearing caps during the lecture but lecturers never scold him.Usually lecturers won't allow students wore caps/hats during classes.He looked very pale.He was very seldom coming to our classes.He was my senior but we had almost same classes.Then i knew he suffered with last-stage brain tumor.He wore cap every time bcoz' he lost his hair.I salute him,even though he was sicked & sometimes has to lie down,he still forced himself to attend classes & tutors.Same as my friend,i don't know his condition right now.

My mother's cousin also suffered with breast cancer.She underwent few surgeries & even lost one of her breast.Luckily she survive til' now.She's in a good condition.But my father's cousin's wife aren't lucky.She also suffered with breast cancer.Afraid of losing her breast,despite of going for the treatment at hospital or clinics,she went to see shaman/medicine-man (bomoh).Her condition worsen day by day but she refused to see a doctor.One day she became unconscious.Her family took her to the hospital but the docs said it's too late.They can't safe her anymore bcoz' the cancer has spreading all over her body.Few days after that,she died. http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/obgyn-cancer?nlcid=ca04-08-2008

I don't have any serious illness,yet.So i can't feel the pain she had but i know the meaning of PAIN.Every month,i have to go through a terrible pain when i had menstruation.PMS.Since my teenage years i had this painful situation.Apart of the heavy bleeding,the pain was so unbearable.When IT came,i had to lie down for the whole day.The only thing that can ease the pain are the paracetemol & 'ubat minyak panas' that i used to rub my stomach & back.I tried to get sleep to 'forget' the pain.Sometimes i want to cut out my womb so that i don't have to menstruate & suffer the PMS.Sometimes i wish i am a boy so that i don't have mens.

Once after my class at uni,I almost fainted bcoz' i can't bear the pain.Luckily i never take mc or absent from my class bcoz' of the pain.I still can tolerate it.But it bcame crucial when i start working bcoz' of the stress,uncertain working time & other factors.I even had to take mc.If i forced myself to go to work,i'll only end up lying down at the pantry.Luckily my boss understood my situation.
I don't know how i'm going to go through if i was at her place.But i'm sure my family will be by my side as we're very close.I've been through hard times,even though not as hard as shin,but my family always lend their helping hands,moral supports or at least their time to listen.I'm sure,i can go through any obstacles with their strong support.

But for now i'm thankful bcoz' i'm healthy enough to live my life.Even though i'm suffered with monthly painful PMS,i'm glad it's only part of woman's life.It won't kill me.The pain reminds me that god still loves me.

Friendship

I just didn't know why,suddenly i feel long for my friends.I'm aware that i've been friendless for quite sometimes now except for my fiance.I USED TO have a lot of friends;school friends,uni friends,office friends & others.But as the time passes,i've lost them.Is it bcoz' i purposely forget them or they just forgotton about me?

School friends;primary & secondary school, disappeared once we entered another phase of our lifes;university/college world.I just wonder why.I USED TO have few good friends during primary school but we became apart when we entered different secondary schools.Even though we were from the same village,it seems we couldn't clicked.Is it bcoz' they felt low bcoz' i've entered a chosen school?Then i USED TO befriend with others & we clicked so well but we also became apart when we entered different university & took different course after spm.Is it bcoz' we were far apart & couldn't relate anymore?Or we felt old friends couldn't understand us anymore better than our new friends?
Once i left uni,i found new friends at workplace but early on i still contacted my uni friends.I felt workplace friends can't match my uni friends, may be bcoz' we're in different fields & our thoughts are very different may be bcoz' of age & qualification level differences.But once again i bcame apart with my uni friends when they entered another life phase;marriage.It's not that i stay away from them.They're the one who had forgotton their 'single' friend.Erm,may be i just misassumption about them;may be they were bz with their new life,husband & kids.Or may be they think we,singleton,are not applicable anymore to them.Oh,i just don't know.But one thing i know,our lifes are different now.

So the only friend left is workplace friend.But as usual,they come & go.& many of them just disappear when they move to another company.May be they had found a new set of friends,more suitable,more applicable than me.But i found out that colleagues are only office friends.They share the same work experience but not our life.We laugh,we talk,we chat during office hour/at lunch/just b4 go home but it's over when we're at home.We can't relate our lifes.It seems that the older we get,the harder we can create new frienship.The older we are,the harder we open our life for new people,the harder we want to believe others.It's not like we're just a kid.So easy to befriend & never judge others to be our friend.

After years of friendship,not many left to be my friend.I have many friends but i want a truly friend who i can have a real talk,who can lend her shoulder for me to cry on,who can keep my secrets,who can listen to me without judging me,who can relate to me & the most important thing is who can be my mirror.I have 2 bestfriends;za & rocky.I've known them since my uni years.We share a lot of common not bcoz' we're still single & from the same state & same stream.We took same course at uni but we work in different field & state/area.We rarely see each other but we stay connected via hp/internet.We just can relate to each other.We respect each other.
I was close to rocky.I rarely see her since she's still in my hometown.I only see her when i went back to kt.But she frequently sms or call me.But i was closer to za bcoz' we worked nearby & we share a lot of secrets.But our friendship seems fall apart after she broke up with her fiance & i engaged nearly at the same time.Until now,she isolated herself from me.B4 this,even we can't always meet,she would call me or i ym her.But after the breakage,she seems lost. My fiance told me to call her but i just didn't know what to say.I just don't know why it's so hard for me to talk to her.May be bcoz' after she's not responding to my calls & sms,i felt she doesn't want to be interrupted.& once i stop calling or sms-ing her,she just stay mum until now.

Actually i missed her.I miss her giggle.I miss her smile.She was a liable & accountable friend.She was stronger than me.She help me a lot.She was my advisor.Sometimes she was my banker :). We spend time together at least once a month.But now,as she remorse herself,i begin to miss her.

I don't know how to face her.I don't know what to say.I don't know how to start.I'm afraid my words would hurt her feeling.I'm afraid what i'm going to say would misinterpret by her. I'm afraid our friendship would never be the same again after the incident.It seems that i've lost my communication skills whereas previously i always know what to say & how to start a conversation ;(.
I didn't mean to meddle with her decision.I didn't mean to interfere her life.Last time i just gave her my opinion after listening to her problem.I know i have no right to decide & to judge who's best or bad for her.I know i'm not in a place to influence her decision making.I know i can't point out her fault & her x-fiance's mistakes.
I've learn my lesson;NEVER EVER EVER give ur opinion about ur friend's bf/fiance/husband EVEN THOUGH she asked for it BCOZ' u wouldn't know someday she WILL use it against u.She asked me about his fiance (at that time) & i gave my opinion but it's not my 100% opinion.I just consented & said yes to all her story.I didn't know her fiance directly.I met him once.I only know him based on her story.She's the one who praise him & condemn him.So i say yes to all her story to show her i'm on his side.But then,this what has happened.
But i never blame her.I'm still pray for her happiness.& i wish we can be friend like b4.We can spend our time talking about all things like b4.Oh,i miss her!